Ended my post abruptly yesterday because I was falling asleep while posting. So I actually cut off many things I initially wanted to post. Shall make up for it in this one.
So, I have got a bunch of people to thank. For encouraging me on, cheering me up and things like that in the exam period. When I was highly irritable, there were still happy moments (:
Yanyi.
Ah okay. Thanks mao for manymany things! I'm sorry that I wasn't in a very good mood the day after exams, I knew it wasn't as fun as we had meant it to be. But still, thanks for being nice to me and tolerating my moodswings. And always going out with me, no matter what happens you're still very nice to me. Looking forward to 25th May! (:
Sharman.
Thanks for inviting me over to your house to mug for three days straight, and always listening to me when I wanted to vent my frustrations or emo over something stupid. And thanks for lending Patrick to me for venting as well, he's super funny and cute! Plus the changing pitch for songs was totally amusing. Haha, 25th shall be a great day (:
Jianlong.
Haha, I guess if I really want to list out everyth there is to thank you for, it will never end. Thanks for all the motivations, always listening to me grumble and tolerating my temper. I knw I have been difficult especially on you, but I hope things would be better now that MYEs are over. Though sometimes I knw you don't knw how to say things right, thanks for trying. And yes, all the chocolates and Stepsils (:
Taylin.
Rose, oh my Rose. Thanks for always cheering me up, even though you might not always understand why I'm upset. But still, thanks for being there all the same. Especially your letter, the graph and Mooie! :D Jack loves Rose too! I have such sweet juniors, don't I (:
Yijun.
Yes my other girlf, also, thanks for always listening and trying to help me every way you can for RVTT matters, or not. It's great to have you around to cheer me up. The studying sessions were not always productive but still fun all the same. Thanks for everyth my dear girlf (:
Alright, that's not alot of people, but it's important because those people really made my day(s). When I was feeling particularly down, and didn't talk much in school for the whole day, Taylin and Yijun still managed to cheer me up, especially with all the nonsense in my house, haha.
At least there are still some people who care if I'm gna live or die.
It really feels good to have such people around, whom I knw I can always rely upon and count on. Thank you my friends (:
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Yes speaking of dying. I almost died today, again ._.
Was gna cross the road somewhere close to Plaza Sing. Waiting for the light to change to green. The I heard the sound signal for the green man, and so I walked on without looking.
Yanyi from behind kept calling and I heard cars horn. Blurred for a moment, I saw no one walking aongside me, and cars coming at me. I immediately turned and stepped back ino the safety of the pavement. Rather relieved I didn't stay stunned on the spot like how drama serials like to show.
I almost got banged down if my reflexes were that bit slower. And I scared Yanyi too. Sorry mao ><
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Many things have happened and changed unknowingly, and even I can see the difference in attitude now. I used to be more accepting, I used to try my best to resolve any problems, I used to take into account the important things. But now, no longer.
I seem to no longer care about all the things that have changed, or rather I don't try to salvage anymore. Instead, I make it worse. I make myself feel worse, make others feel worse. I want to inflict as much hurt as I can on myself and others. Maybe this is a sign to see that I have already accepted the fact that this is the way things have become and will stay. Because everyth's changed, not the same anymore.
Maybe I am just being stubborn, because I refuse to let it go. I am just lamenting on the same things over and over, but doing that can change nothing. I just hope to every different person I try telling, there will be a reply that I wish to hear. Even though I cannot define what is it that I really want to hear, but I knw, I have not heard it.
It hurt me so much to see, for two straight days I see what I didn't want to. Of course I knw it doesn't mean anyth, but can you blame me? History students make links ._. For so long I tried, but I still failed, and now that I see things happening, I still feel nothing but hurt.
I really wished I could be blind. So that I can stop seeing, stop hurting. Or I could be deaf. Since I don't want to hear, don't want to hurt. If I am mute, then I'll not speak, and I'll not hurt. This is all too much for me to take.
I wished things could take a turn for the better, I don't knw how long more of this feeling can I continue to suppress. Too many times I questioned myself, but could never get an answer. At least, not one that I am happy with. How had things turned out this way.. The answer probably lies in you, and in me. But no, I can't explain what you can't explain.
It's just alarming, disappointing and even sad to see this happening to me. To see how time can make people change.
There are so many things I can't face, don't want to face. I can't accept, and refuse to. Sometimes friends are not enough, even though they are all I have, it's not enough. I want things to be right again, but I don't knw how. So I choose to remain inactive and wait for things to blow over, just that they never seem to.
'假如我_______, 现在我们会怎么样呢?'
我几乎每天都在想这个问题. 这个 '假设如果' 的问题每天都烦扰着我, 走路的时候也是, 吃饭的时候也是, 上课的时候睡觉的时候打球的时候洗澡的时候搭车的时候都是. 睁眼闭眼都是 '假设如果', 睁眼闭眼都是不可能发生的答案.
假设我不知道什么是假设, 那会怎么样?
It's too late to apologise, it's too late...